I know many may be wondering why I cancelled my gals for my first Friday night dinner club. I know I don’t have to tell you all, but I wear my heart on my sleeve. I’m a real person. I feel compelled to share because it does help me, but somehow I might help another who might be struggling in the same way.
I’ve struggled with depression for a several years now. The past couple of weeks, despite being on medication, I felt my mind slipping back into the muddy ditch where the wheels of my brain splatter negative thoughts. Even though I recognized the signs and symptoms, I was unwilling to really admit it to myself. I just tried really hard to counter my reality with forcing myself to do the opposite of what my mind told me. My mind told me to isolate. I didn’t, but forced myself out with others. My mind convinced me on occasion all I needed was to sleep, but I pressed on.
Then I found out late Thursday night, I had made a huge error in our checking account. I was beside myself to say the least and my mistake in combination with the ever cumbersome depression pushed me down…way down. I succumbed to the fight raising the white flag and told my friend depression…”You win.” Early Friday morning, I cancelled the dinner party…isolation…yes it seemed best. Who would want to be around this loser! …my mind was lying to me again! I wanted to just sleep the rest of the day away after the kids left for school, but I gave one last-ditch effort and sought out a dear friend to confide my mentle state…which led me to another sister in Christ. The two of them allowed me to talk and they both ministered to my spirit. I left and returned home to go to sleep on the couch.
What people don’t understand is that you just can’t “snap” yourself out of depression. A chemical imbalance is often associated with such a mental state where serotonin is not produced sufficiently. Thus, you go see a doctor and he puts you on meds to counter the lack of serotonin production. My meds were not working.
Sunday evening, I called out for prayer on my other blog… www.hewonmyheart.blogspot.com … and decided I would make a trip to my doctor the next day. I did and he increased the dosage of my current medication. It will take a week or so for my body to build my levels back up with the increase and now I’m feeling it too. I’m tired…sleepy…kinda groggy…not terriblly bad, but enough that I notice it and my stomach was a bit upset this morning as a result too.
Well you all know I write a “Note of Encouragement” to a new person every week. Well it occurred to me yesterday, I hadn’t written one. I had forgotten. I thought all day about different people to write too…praying also goes along with this as I really want the Lord to impress upon my heart who He wants to touch on a given week. No one really seemed to come to mind and anyways…how could I encourage someone else when I was in the pit myself?…another lie from my mind.
Well I came back late in the afternoon from picking up my son from track practice, and there on the table was the mail my husband had brought inside. A letter rested on top of all the other mail from my precious friend Char from Iowa. I opened the note and before I finished the first paragraph, I began to cry.
I stand amazed at my God once more. Char had no idea what I was going through until Sunday night when I posted on my blog. The letter was already in the mail by then. But somehow God whispered to her to write me a “Note of Encouragement” knowing full well how much I would need to hear her words on Monday, February 1st, 2010. I’m crying even now as I write this…I miss you Char and all my Iowa and Indiana sisters in Christ!
I’ve decided the “Note of Encouragement” was sent to me this week. If you would like to read the letter I received from Char, please go to my “Notes of Encouragement” page. Thank you Char from the bottom of my heart. I will keep the letter forever! Someday heaven girl…someday heaven!
Resolutions '10 